"Why Doesn’t My Second Boy Get His Own Stuff?" - The Public Interest In The Boy/Girl Birth
I’m pregnant with my third baby. It’s always interesting and fun to hear public reactions to the interest in my pregnancy:
“Oh! Congrats! Which baby is this?”
The excitement for the first pregnancy is always so high. With my second baby, the excitement was for my firstborn, that he was so lucky to have a sibling on the way.
Third baby, mild interest and the following exchange:
“Wow, three! Are you finding out what you’re having?”
And always, when in public with my two boys, the inevitable final question:
“Is this your girl?”
My girl.
It would be unacceptable to the common bystander for this baby to be anything else. Of course it should be a girl. Three boys?
One of the things that has baffled me the past five years of becoming pregnant and having children is the audacity and assumption that so many complete and total strangers make about my wishes, the intentions of my husband and I when we were planning our ‘ideal’ family, and what we ‘should’ have, in terms of number of kids and what their gender should be.
The ideal public approval and desire seems to be that most families are ‘complete’ with both a boy and a girl. The sighs of relief I see in gender announcements of friends with second babies that found out they were having the opposite gender from their first is one that I can’t say I haven’t slightly envied.
Of course I want a girl. I’ve always wanted to have a little girl. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my boys, or that I’ll love this baby any less if it is another boy. The experience of gender disappointment for many is heightened by this public approval/disapproval of reaching this epitome of parenthood with one of each.
I was in good conversation with an acquaintance the other day at a play center and revealed, after the above conversation exchange, that we weren’t in fact finding out the gender of this baby, unlike what we did with our other two boys. I have a strong desire to avoid the questions and experience something I’ve enjoyed as a doula: the surprise of others’ baby’s arrivals in finding out their gender during the birth of this baby.
The response to that determination was something that drove me more than a little crazy: “But if it’s a girl, no one will be able to buy you anything for her until she’s here!”
Wait.
So if it’s another boy, he doesn’t get his own stuff? He’s not anything new -been there done that - so he doesn’t get to have his own brand new adorable blanket or onesie? Only a girl would be revered and celebrated with new hats, bows, blankets and oh so much pink?
That thought and mentality of celebrating the perfection of the ‘complete’ family of two gendered children dampens my spirits. Each child is their own being, their own perfectly made creation with unique personality, looks and thoughts. Both of my boys are vibrant and spirited in their own right but have their own personal flair. I can’t imagine not celebrating that simply because they’re both owners of the same anatomy.
How do we change the perception of what makes a family complete or perfect? How can we change the passing talk about adding to families to celebrate the addition of a baby, regardless of its gender order in the family? To be honest, I’m not sure, but I’m a little happier I can’t give another person the satisfaction of pressing their opinion on my next baby’s gender before they are born.
Boy or girl, baby #3 is loved, was wanted, and will have their own set of brand new things, blue or pink.
One of the great joys of our service to families is helping to plan and prepare for a new little one. To learn more about our maternity services, visit us and plan for that blue, pink or yellow nursery!