It’s Not Fair To Expect Your Husband To Remember Every Moment of Your Labor Class
photo courtesy of April Davidson Bly Photography
Yep. I said it.
The second you pee on that little stick and see two lines, or a plus, or a yes you’re pregnant or whatever brand you chose, the books come out!
The apps! With food comparisons for baby’s gestation!
And then, the questions…
What size is baby? What developmental phase is he or she working on now?
How many extra calories? Pounds?
What signs of labor or pre labor are good? Bad?
How long is labor?
What’s an epidural? When’s the best time to get one? Or not get one? Or decide later?
When do we go to the hospital, again?
How do we feel about baby led weaning? Sleep training?
Crib or bed sharing?
Pregnancy is like a nine month crash course in a phD program in obstetrics, psychiatry, pediatrics, chemistry, and physical therapy.
Yes, you should absolutely take a childbirth class! And you should definitely discuss the ins and outs of pregnancy, labor, and what to expect with a newborn with your partner.
But for the love of all things holy (or not, if you please) don’t expect and rely on your partner to remember it all.
Because poor Dad? He’s just as excited/nervous/anxious as you.
And no matter how much you’ve trained for this, how many times you’ve quizzed each other on what to remember, how many laminated copies of your birth plan you’ve prepared for the go bag, the second your water breaks?
The poor dude probably won’t know his hand from his feet.
He’ll forget the quickest route to the hospital, what number to dial when you’re on the way. He might not call. He might put the wrong supplies in the bag, forget the cell phone chargers, or to put on underwear, or brush his teeth if he has coffee breath.
The man that you love and expect to be your rock, may be - but his brain won’t.
His brain is focused on you. On his baby. On making sure that you’re cool as a cucumber and don’t see how much HE is freaking out. With worry/excitement, whatever.
But he certainly won’t be the one to remember that back labor sucks and can be changed with some heat, pressure, and time.
He won’t remember the timing of contractions and how to tell if active labor has been established.
And, mamas, it’s not FAIR to expect him to.
He’s in it emotionally for you. He’s laboring too. Most of his labor is in his brain, and that brain can only handle so much additional clutter.
That doesn’t mean you should just throw out the books and wing it. That wouldn’t be the best course of action either!
What it DOES mean, is that you can absolutely take the pressure of of HIM and invest in a professional, calm, collected and experienced labor support team member to help you remember all the details.
A labor doula can not only serve as your cliffs notes to your labor class, but she can grab the bag and birth plans as you’re scrambling out the door so they don’t get forgotten. She can make sure that you call the on call, not the office that’s closed, to let them know that you’re coming in.
Most importantly, your doula can be there. Her presence and support can help him freak out (or not) and give you both someone to turn to for the inevitable ‘is this normal?’ face that we’re so delighted to see and assist with.
Take the pressure off of Dad; give him a support system. Knowing there’s someone who’s got your back and you don’t have to cram will let him sleep the weeks leading up to your birth. It’ll also help you both breathe and enjoy the moment (we mean it!) with each other the day of.
But yeah. Don’t expect that knowledge to stick. And don’t require it!
We’ll fill in the blanks.
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