I Love Being a Mom... But Sometimes I Want To Be Selfish
Nothing makes me more giddy than being able to provide for or splurge on my children. It’s pretty crazy to consider how much that viewpoint changed immediately after I gave birth to my first child. Instead of being all ‘me me me’ there was this tiny, chubby little person who I was more than happy to outfit head to toe in the best my money could buy, the cutest learning toys, the most doting preschool cooperative, the coolest activities. My children have wanted for nothing that they’ve needed -something that makes me feel incredibly blessed- and have also had some spoiling shot into their system.
In addition to money, they get all of my time. Other than working on my business and attending to clients, I am a stay at home, work at home Mom. We get up together, we go down to bed together. There’s a LOT of togetherness.
As soon as someone is finished needing my attention, someone else does. Recently, it’s been all about my three month old, who just finished the rigorous portions of her clubfoot corrections, capped off with a trip to Maine to pick up and outfit her in custom braces.
I would do it all again at a moment’s notice, without a second thought and with all of my heart.
But in the wee hours of the morning, when my back is aching from being banged by the braces, when I’ve just drifted off and someone is just getting up to go get a drink of water again for the millionth time - I get a little case of the Cinderella blues.
What about my time? When am I going to come first? When will all of my needs be met? Will I ever get the shiny new things that come with the change of seasons, or the workout class I desperately want to try to change my now unrecognizable body? Will I get my turn soon?
The true answer I know deep down. The true answer is probably not anytime soon. I’ll be able to steal moments (my nighttime shower is my daily ritual that I am not going to ever sacrifice lest I feel less like a human being) here and there but it won’t ever be like it was before my kids.
Am I a monster for feeling sad sometimes that I don’t come first? That a paycheck from my business doesn’t mean that I can go to the mall or pay for a vacation, but that I can afford to get my son a cool jacket for his first day of Kindergarten, and my younger one a learning toy that will help him improve his speech?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with knowing what must be, but yearning for what used to be. And knowing that there are moments, fewer in number, where I am able to do something, even if it’s small, for myself that doesn’t need justifying.
If you feel this way too, don’t worry. You’re not alone, and you’re not terrible for thinking it.
It just makes you a human who has needs, and that’s to be expected!
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