The Baby I Never Met
I never got to meet my baby.
People usually don't ask when they ask me how many children I have if they are more than the three they see in front of them. But I have a fourth child.
I don't know if she is a boy or a girl.
I never got to name him or her.
I don't know what facial features here she would've had for weather here she would've favored my husband or myself.
I got to leave her with that baby but under General Anastasia.
I didn't have anything in my hands to say goodbye to.
I feel empty and I felt alone.
Every year that passes the due date for that baby is harder and harder for me instead of easier.
When Harley was born I feel guilty. I felt like I was just honoring the memory of my sweet baby by moving on and having another child after the passing of the one that we had lost.
The mixed emotions that come with being a grieving parent of a lost infant is insurmountable. I always worry that I'm not reacting the way that others want me to or in a way that honors the memory of my child that was lost.
While my baby, who was not a viable pregnancy, and had no heartbeat at 14 weeks, I know that many have had to go through even more tragic and devastating losses of either a full-term infant a baby or even a toddler or young child.
As we prepare to honor the lost ones in our lives we are also with you holding your hands grieving alongside you honoring your children's memories and acknowledging that you are there parents through this infant and pregnancy loss awareness month.
Those close to you will not be forgotten.
I certainly won't be forgetting mine.
I struggle with what I believe and if I will need my precious baby again someday. I do not know if I will but I know that the strength of that life changing events that impacted me will live with me and carry me on.
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