Why Listening Matters - And How To Do It Correctly
When was the last time that you truly heard someone? And if you heard the words they were saying, were you able to understand what was left unsaid? The intention behind what was being shared with you, in a public or intimate way?
Sometimes the interaction with a conversation doesn’t lie in the answers and response, but the presence and space given by the listener.
When a woman is laboring, or preparing to labor, she is at her must vulnerable. Thoughts, actions, emotions are all joining together and splitting apart. She is equally confident, terrified, excited, confused and inquisitive. It can be hard to articulate thoughts when looking down the uncertain road of a labor’s progress, as well as relaying to others how physically one is feeling. Add in the complex relationship she has with her partner and loved ones present for her emotional comfort and well being, and the communication thickens.
Those listening and loving want to help. They want to solve discomfort, while comforting themselves by being the one to fix the problem. They may even want to offer a solution or keep digging at the laboring woman to find a different answer, or to say what it is that they can do to be helpful.
The problem with this kind of listening, is that it isolates the mother at a crucial and critical point in her hour of need. Trying to fix a problem or put all of the pressure on the mother to be able to articulate her needs or describe her frustrations doesn’t help her move through labor with support.
A doula knows this. She’s calm and she’s present. She isn’t there to interfere with the emotions the mother is feeling, or to necessarily fix the problem of a sensation. She doesn’t require the mother to further describe exactly where or what she’s feeling, she doesn’t need the mother to ‘keep it together’ or apologize for the way she’s feeling.
In fact, she doesn’t even need to say anything.
Truly listening, and hearing, and being present for the woman in labor, doesn’t require a grand returned statement. It doesn’t even need words. Giving a space and time for the mother to say or not say what she needs gives her strength and support. Knowing that the person is taking in what she is saying, and allowing it to be recorded.
Sometimes, this is everything in terms of support. Doulas can be present and provide a tremendous amount of comfort without even lifting a finger. The more relaxed and open with communication (or silent) a woman feels, the easier it will be for her to let go and move forward through her labor in a freeing way!
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